Inspired by #RNBDivasLA My innocence was taken away too! #PassionateSpot

74541_456680585484_6296926_nInspired by RnB Diva’s LA’s Divalouges

I always had a dream or somewhat of a vision. I had to have been three maybe four years old but not too much older than that. And it was a normal summer day or so I thought it was. My cousin’s and I were at Big Mama’s house like usual. We played, ate, watched TV, held sleepovers, and whatever else you could think of. I had a dozen brothers and sisters within them. I loved being around them. You see I was the baby. The actual baby. Mama had me last after more than thirty other grand kids at the time. In present day I have over 120 cousins. No lie.

But this had to have been the year of 1990. I along with my sister was spending some days at Big Mama’s house. We were outside playing. I being the youngest I could never be alone. This time my overseer was my big cousin, he had to have been about eleven or twelve.

I looked up to all of my cousins and my life was safe with them. Or so I thought. This day. I don’t remember when actually; but I lost my innocence on this day. No one knows this story. Everyone is finding out about it as they read this message. Why say it now? Why talk about it so openly?

Well why not?

What is the purpose of holding it in now?

You see I was touched. Maybe I was three years old; maybe I was four years old. But whatever age I was when I close my eyes I am taken back to that day. Along the side of Big Mama’s house he got me alone. I followed him innocently. He didn’t waste any time pulling down my panties. With his hands he touched me there. Told me to open my legs as he took his fingers and violated my small opening. He then took a stick and stuck it in me and I cried out. The memory goes dark after this. But the pain; the pain never went away. The fear of the male species never went away.

I stood there confused. I knew the feeling wasn’t right. But I watched him and waited for someone to come tell him to stop. Was this right? I148343_456680645484_3584450_n asked myself.

You see this very story never came out of my mouth until I was 21. Mama was dead and gone and I never told her. But I told my sister. One day I recanted the story in my head and for the life of me I needed to know if this actually happen to me. I mean, what kid has a vision like this in their head and it never happened.

So I said to her; “I have this thought in my head and I don’t know if it happened.” And I pieced little by little of what I wanted to tell her…..without giving away some of my sister’s personal stories she confirmed this story actually happened. And I grew angry.

I sat there stuck. I sat there unmoved and frozen in place. It all made sense now. From since I can remember I have always been watchful around other men. Especially family. I always made sure I wasn’t alone with any male and when I became a mother at 16 my daughter stayed glued to me.

“No she can’t go with you.” I would tell my child’s father. Because; not even I could trust him to not allow any one of his family members to touch her. I just didn’t trust any man.

Today I teach my daughter the same survival skills I have grown accustomed to. I was a victim but I will not be a victim to my past. I will not allow my assailant to have power over my mind.

I haven’t seen this cousin in years, but growing up when I use to see him I felt pure disgust. I hated him. I hated what he looked like, the sound of his voice; I hate the air in his lungs. But now at 27 I know that same hate can take me to hell. Forgiveness is a powerful act. It allows you to gain power of your destiny. Choose power. Choose forgiveness. Choose life.

My innocence was taken from me. But you know what I took back? Tamika. And she’s still here!

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Comments

  1. I commend you for sharing this. You will most definitely be a help to others.

  2. Reblogged this on Bag Lady Boutique.

  3. christiancashelle says:

    We can always be a blessing through our testimonies…be blessed and thank you for sharing.

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